Hell.

I am here now.
Swimming in the burning lake of blood and guilt.
And like anyone else who's here and damned,
I never thought this place exist, till now.




I can't recall how I got myself in here.
I was just having a great time giving in to my selfish desires.
Completely losing control, eventually losing myself.
Locking myself forever in this tormented place.

I don’t know how long will I stay here.
Or will I ever get the chance to escape.
I wish I could go back and be happy with them once again.
But the bullheaded learns every lesson always too late.

The pain of my burning soul cannot be soothed.
The punishment and suffering is unbearable and endless.
I can no longer endure the pain, but it keeps on happening.
The dead yearns for death but will never be granted.

I see oblivious people putting themselves in danger.
Demons paving their way to this place, inflicting agony and pain.
There is nothing left for me to do but plead for divine help.
And still hope to be salvaged......even when I am already in hell!

padayon sa gibati...

Massage Talk Two

Inabot din ng isang oras at kalahati ang paghagod ko sa buong katawan ni Van. Kung puede ko nga lang gawing buong gabi ang pagmamasahe sa kanya. Hahaha. Enjoy na enjoy ako sa paghimas sa kanyang mabilog at malambot na puwet. Nakakalibog ang makinis at maputi niyang likuran. Nakakapanigas. Nakakatulo-laway sa sarap.

Pero siyempre, di ako nagpahalatang tipo ko siya. Matinong kausap at mabait si Van. Hindi siya nagtanong tungkol sa ES na siyang madalas na hinahanap ng mga kliyente ko sa internet. Masaya ako kapag hindi kasali sa usapan ang bagay na yan. Mahirap makahanap ng matinong kliyente. Minsan o madalas, sex ang gusto at masahe na lang ang extra. Hahahay.

Pagkatapos ng masahe, pinabayaan ko muna siyang magpahinga ng ilang minuto habang ako naman ay nagself-massage at nagbihis. Habang nagpapalit ako damit, biglang sinambit nya ang pangalan ko.

John, halika muna dito, tabihan mo ako.
Tulog ka na lang muna dyan, nagpapatuyo pa ako ng pawis.
Sige na, dito ka na muna sa tabi ko.

Waaahhh, nakakahiyang tumabi sa kanya. Baka di ko pa mapigilan sarili ko. Hahaha. Pero wala akong choice, baka gusto lang niya ng kausap. Habang nakahiga, walang siyang imik na nakatingin sa akin. Anak ng potakte, nakakapanlambot ang kanyang bawat titig. Bigla niyang binasag ang katahimikan ng isang mahabang buntong hininga at sabay sabing...

Gwapo mo pala John no?
Huh? Di naman, ikaw nga eh.

Waaahhh, biglang tumigas ang aking patotoy sa kanyang sinabi.

Hindi ka ba natatakot? Na marape ka ng mga kliyente mo?
Ah hindi pa naman nangyayari yan, mababait naman sila.

Nyah, taena, ilang beses na kaya. Pero syempre, may mga panahon na willing victim naman ako. Ahihihi.

Ilang saglit lang ay bigla na lang siyang pumatong sa akin. Tumama ang kanyang kargada sa naninigas kong espada. Wala nang silbi ang pagpapakipot pa kasi alam kong nahalata niya na gusto ko rin yung ginagawa niya sa akin. Nakatitig siya sa akin na may kasamang nakakalibog na bahagyang ngiti. Kinikis nya ang kanyang sandata sa galit na galit kong etits.

Hinila niya ang brief ko pababa at sinumulan akong dinilaan sa leeg at pababa sa nipples. Oh shet...napamura ako sa sarap. Ramdam ko ang init ng kanyang dila at ng kanyang burat na nakadikit sa aking binti. Naconscious na rin ako dahil baka nangamoy sardinas na ako sa pawis, kaya pinahiga ko na siya at ako na naman ang nagtrabaho.

Naalala ko ang paborito kong durian kendi habang dinidilaan ko ang buo niyang katawan. Napakasarap na parang gusto mong sipsipin ang gatas sa kanyang makinis na kutis. Lalo akong ginagahan sa aking ginagawa habang naririnig ko ang kanyang bawat pag-ungol.

Tuluy-tuloy ang aking pagromansa sa kanya pababa. Hawak niya ang kanyang matigas na matigas na burat na senyales para makuha ang aking atensyon.

Taena pre, ang init ng bibig mo. Ang galing mo.

Sarap-sarap pakinggan ng mga salitang lumalabas sa kanyang bibig. Taas-baba, sikip-luwang, pihit sa kanan, pihit sa kaliwa, habang subo ang kanyang naglalaway na lolipap. Ramdam kong may matinding sensation para sa kanya ang ginagawa ko. Parang nasa langit kaming dalawa.

Lalo siyang naging mainit. Pinaupo niya ako at pinasandal sa dingding, habang siya naman ay nakatayo at pinahidpahid ang kanyang burat sa aking labi at pisngi. Paikot-ikot na dinadampi sa aking mukha. At sa huli ay pianasubo ulit sa akin at madiing kinatot ang aking bibig.

Hayan na, malapit na ako John.

Tuloy lang siya sa kanyang ginagawang paglabas pasok sa aking bibig. Nararamdaman ko ang paparating na pagsabog at tila gusto niyang hayaan lang itong mangyari sa loob. Hindi ko alam pero parang nakaramdam ako ng excitement. Hindi ko pa ito nagawa sa iba nang nag-eenjoy ako.

Sunud sunod ang pagputok sa ilalim ng aking lalamunan at kasabay nun ay ang kanyang sunud sunod na pagmumura. Niyakap niya nang mahigpit ang aking ulo at nararamdaman ko ang panginginig ng kanyang mga binti habang naguumapaw ang tamod na lumabas sa kanyang pagkalalaki. Gusto ko ang lasa ng kanyang katas pero hindi ko maisip na itoy lunukin ng tuluyan.

Nahiga kami uli at nagpahinga. Bakas sa kanyang mukha ang ngiti na nagpapahiwatig ng kaligayahan. Tahimik uli.

Ok ka lang John?
Ok lang naman, ikaw ba?
Pasensya na ha, marami ba? Ang galing mo. Baka mawili ako sa'yo.
May problema ba dun? Mawili ka lang. (Hahaha...Taena landi.)
Tinulugan kasi ako ni Misis kanina. Badtrip.

Biglang tumunog ang kanyang telepono. Hinahanap na daw siya ng asawa niya. Sabi niya di ko daw siya itetext sa cp niya at antayin ko lang daw na siya ang unang magtext sa akin. Ano 'to jowa? At kailangan ko siya icheck. Hahaha. Pero buti na rin na sinabi para at peace siya sa sekreto niya sa akin.

Ilang minuto lang ay umuwi na siya. Ako rin ay naghanda na para makapagpahinga. Bago pa man ako makatulog, tumunog ang aking celfon at nabasa ko ang kanyang message.

John, di ako makatulog. Kelan ba natin puedeng gawin uli?

padayon sa gibati...

Massage Talk One

May parking area ba jan sa bahay mo?

Meron naman pre sa labas ng building. Safe dun, walang problema.

Sige text kita pag papunta na ako...




Si Van ang una kong walk in na client dito sa bahay. Di ko alam kung anong klaseng tao tong makikita ko pero sa tono naman ng usapan namin sa chatroom, propesyonal at mabait naman ang dating.

Siya ay de pamilya. Kaya discreet siya at ayaw makipagmeet sa isang pamintang durog. Habang ako ay naliligo, iniisip ko kung ano ang hitsura nya. Syempre dahil tago siya, hindi na ako nag-attempt pang humingi ng pic.

Nagsasabon pa lang ako nang bigla na lang tumunog ang cp ko. Sabi niya nasa labas na daw siya ng bahay. Dali dali kong tinapos ang aking paliligo at nagbihis at nagpabango.

Sa loob ng isang maliit na kotseng kulay silver, nakita ko si Van na nakangiti. Agad niya akong namukhaan. Pinatay niya ang makina ng sasakyan saka bumaba.

Hindi ko inakalang gwapo ang makikita kong kliyente. Dumagdag pa ang napakagandang ngiti sa kanyang appeal. Ang sarap kagatin ng mamasa-masa niyang labi. Halatang di naninigarilyo dahil malinis ang kanyang mga ngipin.

Nakadamit pambahay lang siya. Nakatsinelas at nakashorts na itim na abot sa tuhod. Exposed ang kanyang mga braso sa suot niyang sleeveless na shirt. Napatitig ako nang bahagya sa nakakaturn-on nyang makinis at maputing complexion. Gusto ko ang kanyang pangangatawan kasi toned lang at hindi yung namumutok ang mga muscles. Halatang regular na nag-eexercise.

Habang naglalakad kami patungo sa kwarto, maraming bagay ang tumatakbo sa isip ko. Kung ano man ang mga 'yun, sila ay nagdadala ng problema sa naninigas kong etits.

Isa na naman yata itong di makakalimutang makamundong karanasan.
Ahihihi.

padayon sa gibati...

Grooming George

Are you sometimes bothered by the bush "down there"? How do you deal with it? Most guys in the province deal with it privately and don't find it as a decent stuff to talk about. Unlike here in the Metro, guys sometimes discuss it head-on with egotistical nonchalance.

I remember one time, in the middle of making out with my boyfriend (an ex actually from the south), he advised me to get rid of my pubes. WTF! I never thought I was already bushier and coarser than the usual. I don't know what exactly he wanted me to do with them. I felt it was slightly humiliating to hear that from him. No, actually I thought it was hell embarassing! I don't know what to do or how to start removing them. One wrong move can result in an uneven and more scraggly look and I don't want that area to look more horrible the next time he takes a sight of it.

Just out of curiosity, or maybe because I don't have a well-rounded option in mind at that time, I ended up with a disastrous technique. I shaved them all off till my testicles looked like a pair of cue balls. Right! From a cloudy bush to a completely smooth pubic area. I felt super clean and hygienic but I didn't like the way it looked. And I thought my partner would not be happy either to see what I did. I was sure it served some purpose why humans develop them, and that they are not supposed to be completely shaved off. It took weeks to grow them back, and it took the same amount of time to avoid sex with my partner or even a discussion about it. And worse, I was feeling itchy the first few days after shaving!

I have encountered more people who prefer to cut away the shag hiding their junk by trimming than those who want to remove their pubes to the last follicle. So I tried the more familiar grooming technique. It turned out to be a better move. I felt more kept, and neater, without the itchy feeling and an uncomfortably funny sight. Obviously a better approach. So I have been doing a maintenance job for years now. Maybe that was what my ex meant for me to do, a simple trim. But I guess he needs something more than just that.

"While it is true that a well maintained pubic area makes one more attractive to others, it is equally important to keep in mind that it could also repel others if we don't shower enough. Knowing it's a moisture cavity, you know how it would smell like if you don't clean up well!". Not the exact words I said, but that's what I told him in the middle of having sex when I couldn't hold my breath any longer. Hihiheew!

padayon sa gibati...

Endorphins

I never had a close encounter with endorphins to prove its effects on a human body. In fact, I know no facts about it. Dumbass! But I've heard somewhere that its something that makes you feel happy. That's it. Not sure if it was a drug or whatnot.

But someone just told me that I do require more than just a dose of that!

I kind of locked myself in the house for almost a week. I have not eaten the real food for several days and spent the whole time with a computer-bed-tv routine. Nice. I almost have created an imaginary friend who wants to keep me company and help make things be better off me. I don't wanna sound too emotional and problematic 'coz in that time, I was actually more than that.

True enough, I needed endorphins. According to Wikipedia, they are produced by the pituitary gland during exercise, excitement, pain, death, and of course, Orgasm. Whew! There goes the answer. Sounds like easy to be my body's personal drug dealer. And of course, you already know which one from the options comes very handy.

Great! Just in time, someone was good enough to offer me a hand. Haha. I don't want to go into the details anymore...hihihi... and so we both had a great time!

Oh yeah! It spurred the production of endorphins in my viens. I just felt so high...high which lasted all night and even throughout the following day. I felt so happy despite the madness at work. The feeling was unusual but I liked it. Seemed like nothing can make me pissed off. I just wish the effect could go as far as a week.

It felt great! Anyone can get addicted to this without the risk of a mandatory death sentence. Haha. Fantastic!

I just thought, I needed endorphins everyday more than the ascorbic acid.
So anyone help me get my dose of endorphins today?

padayon sa gibati...

The Bodyguard

That's just his username. Like everyone else, I also use a different name when I go online. Somehow, in one way or another, the name that we choose is closely associated to who we are in the real world. But I don't know exactly why he picked that word to name his alternate identity in the cyberspace.

Could it be that he thought a musculine word attracts more discreet bisexuals to engage in a conversation as they could also be interested with the same? Or could it be that the word means a protector of someone which is what exactly he is doing to his clients as a lawyer?

That's right! That's exactly what he is. And I thought that was an additional 'hotness factor' for him. He said his name is Gerry which I'm not sure if that's another pseudonym so I sometimes call him Atty. Gerry. But that didn't feel suitable for a casual conversation, so eventually I stopped and just simply called him Gerry.

I wish he could just be like an ordinary catch from hours of search for sex in gay chatrooms. But I have to say that I have the weirdest attraction to this guy. I'm lusting for him and it freaks me out a little... okay, alright, a lot!

So what's the problem?

I don't think I just wanna have sex with him but I don't want any word to describe what I feel for him. Although I attract men pretty well (feelingero), but this time, I just can't seem to click with him. As in no effect. Zero. I always had to keep my words guarded, but I sometimes slipped. I know I had to keep my distance because I knew that us being intimate wasn't in his book. Yet I can't help myself but nearly worship him. Tanga!

It makes me really sick thinking that he doesn't feel anything for me too. I think he likes me a little but not enough to get him so hot to strike a mind-blowing sex. I thought he is just too perfect. Someone I don't deserve, even just to get in bed with. I couldn't see any flaws in him.

I know I had to stop this brainsickness. That's why I left before he could hear me say I feel something bullshit for him on the first day we met. I couldn't refuse when he told me he wanted to watch a movie with me and have dinner together the next day. He is really driving me crazy! He is obviously playing the game so well while I am in fact getting closer to losing it.

I so wanna kiss him, but I never did. I so wanna hug him, but I couldn't dare. I know this is really going nowhere. I can't figure out if this is my karma. I might have hurt someone who liked me. Now someone I like is just about to do the same to me.

So I have decided not to see him anymore. I know its not worth taking a chance. But maybe we'll come across each other again in the place where we first met... where I have once fallen for a guy called 'The Bodyguard'.

padayon sa gibati...

Patitik!

I recently get suicidal thoughts more often. I dunno where all those exactly are coming from 'coz everything around me seems like animal shit.

I left my family in the province for a job here in Manila and apparently the grass wasn't greener. Lately my sense of worth is tied into the amount in my savings and not in my values. Obviously, it is on the negative scale. Money is a such a big fucking issue in this life!

I suck at work. I have never been happy with my work since day one and I'm starting to think that pursuing my career is pointless. Unfortunately, everyone knows how hard it is to find a job now and so leaving my job is just another bad choice. I feel my life is a huge complicated robotic invention with someone other than me taking control of it. And the best feature is that, the unwilling participant, who in this case is me, gets the least preferred option or nothing.

I feel like I'm surrounded with ugly, selfish, and cruel people at work. I don't have friends coz I ignore them. I hate to keep conditional relationships. I have a bitter attitude.

I feel so tired and exhausted. I need a peaceful place to rest. I sometimes thought of going back home. But going home is also not an option. It has been a major source of stress for me, and in fact the last place I would want to be.

I have been convincing myself to be happy with what I have and be contented, but thats not exactly how I feel deep down. Part of me is thinking that I actually have nothing. Zero, zippo, zilch, nill, nada, and null! When will I ever learn to satisfy myself out of nothing? I wake up everyday asking myself if I'm still worthy to be alive.

I know it's just me that's the problem and not my career, my family, or even the people around me. I know all else will be fine without me.

I dont know how this writing will help me in any way. I don't feel better. Maybe I just need someone who would care to know.

That my life now is damn so . . .

padayon sa gibati...